Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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