me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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