Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
