just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
