He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
