I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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