so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
