Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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