Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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