I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
