beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Every concussion has its silver lining
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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