i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
