have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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