i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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