I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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