Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I am one with the molecules
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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