My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
