You smell like stripper and shame
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
