She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
