My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
