I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
