I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
