I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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