I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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