CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
