You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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