did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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