Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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