Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
