you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
