I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
