Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
