your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
