nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
