she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
