the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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