Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
