is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
