I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
