i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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