we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
tell me about the eggs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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