my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
