I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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