that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
