yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just come out here and I will go home with you...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
