I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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