And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
