Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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