I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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