He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
